Saturday, September 25, 2010

where am i?

I don't know what is going on right now. I will have my third session on Monday. There are so many things that i want to talk about really. I am so angry really. All the time i just sleep and work. When im awake I'm just plan mad all the time. Or i am trying to sympathise with something someone is doing ahhh. I want my own life. I cant sit here and tell you I'm OK I'm not. however i will be ok one day. I'm not suicidal or anything i promise. However, i am mad and hurt really. I cant really describe it. Its like this rock that has been barred down at the bottom of a deep lake has been picked up and brought to the surface. The rock never wanted to be moved in the first place. It was content on staying where it was for the rest of his life. This person just felt the need to come and move it. Why am i doing this? Why and i moving the rock to the surface? Do i really need to discover everything that this rock was holding on to? the years that the rock has been warn down and abused by the waters and animals around it? I want this pain to end. Why did i use the rock as the subject? Is it because a rock is dull and stationary? Was that me a rock? Ahhh so many rocks being uncovered. I don't want to deal with all theses rocks in my life. I need to though i really do. I have no self esteem because i have let my feelings and emotions become rocks that just sit in the back of my mind praying that no one will uncover them. Well who best to uncover them then the person who put them there right. I was to feel again. I want to be me. laugh and cry as a real person. Not just someone who kind of feels that way. Everyone says i have such a big heart and im a nice caring person. Why can i be that way to myself? Why must i treat myself like crap? Maybe i can figure out why i can not control the intake of my food levels. I love food. Its the only thing i can control really. maybe that is it? idk so many things to talk about and so little time.