Mixed State

Have you ever had conflicting emotions?

Where you want to lay in bed all day because your so depressed ,however, you mind wont shut down? Extreme aggravation with a lethargic mood? It can make for a very challenging day I should add. So, found out that this is called a mixed state of bipolar, when you have manic and depressive moods at the same time. I am waiting till may 5th, 7 days I need to hold on. Rapid cycling moods, being extremely paranoid and trying to self medicate can be exhausting. Bipolar is so much fun!

Ring aroung the rosie and we all fall down

where am i?

I don't know what is going on right now. I will have my third session on Monday. There are so many things that i want to talk about really. I am so angry really. All the time i just sleep and work. When im awake I'm just plan mad all the time. Or i am trying to sympathise with something someone is doing ahhh. I want my own life. I cant sit here and tell you I'm OK I'm not. however i will be ok one day. I'm not suicidal or anything i promise. However, i am mad and hurt really. I cant really describe it. Its like this rock that has been barred down at the bottom of a deep lake has been picked up and brought to the surface. The rock never wanted to be moved in the first place. It was content on staying where it was for the rest of his life. This person just felt the need to come and move it. Why am i doing this? Why and i moving the rock to the surface? Do i really need to discover everything that this rock was holding on to? the years that the rock has been warn down and abused by the waters and animals around it? I want this pain to end. Why did i use the rock as the subject? Is it because a rock is dull and stationary? Was that me a rock? Ahhh so many rocks being uncovered. I don't want to deal with all theses rocks in my life. I need to though i really do. I have no self esteem because i have let my feelings and emotions become rocks that just sit in the back of my mind praying that no one will uncover them. Well who best to uncover them then the person who put them there right. I was to feel again. I want to be me. laugh and cry as a real person. Not just someone who kind of feels that way. Everyone says i have such a big heart and im a nice caring person. Why can i be that way to myself? Why must i treat myself like crap? Maybe i can figure out why i can not control the intake of my food levels. I love food. Its the only thing i can control really. maybe that is it? idk so many things to talk about and so little time.

So today,

I dont know whats wrong with me today! :-( and when i get like this all i want to do is eat my weight in food!!!!!!!!!!!! Im trying to be good i really am! i called people to see if they wanted to eat but no one was available which is probably a good thing! Im going to try to do better than last night right now i have chicken cooking and planning on making a salad. Idk what else im going to eat! I have been doing really good staying under my points and everything! I just hope it goes well I want a buffet like golden carol or something like that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

day 3 dec, 10th 2009

Hello world~


So i think im going on the right track! I have been under my points everyday and i go to bed not staving! I have been working out and feeling good!

My struggle right now is wanting to still go out with friends and eat and drink but im afraid that i will cheat and mess up! :-( I just want a big juice big mac right now lol! But i can all ready see in improvements im not as tried and i feel better! Weight watchers makes things easy to stay under points there are so many different things i can eat that has little to no points!!!!!!!!!! :-) makes me happy. Tonight if i have enough points im going to eat a payday! :-) i can't wait!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



So i dont know if its water wait or what but the scale says i lost 8-9 lbs already! Its only been 4 days is that even healthy? .... BUT IM HAPPY!!!!!!!!!!!!


OMG IM SOO HUNGRY!!!!!!!!!!!! Im going to try to find a healthy snack lets see how it goes!

Day 1 Dec 8 2009

Today is the start of a beautiful new life.
In this blog i will be posting sometimes new recipes that i find, what i am struggling with and my over all total weight loss!

Today at 7pm i am going to work out!
Im signing up for weight watchers online.


this is a change of life style not just a diet!

Why am i doing this?
I dont want to have high blood pressure anymore, be the fat funny kid, i dont want to die from obesity. My struggle right now is what i have in my pantry. I need to go to the store and buy some health stuff! The right foods for me! I hate fruit but im going to eat it anyways. I figure if i can grow to love beer when i used to hate it then i can also grow to love health foods! :-D


Disclaimer*
I don't have the best grammar in the world or spelling so please do not read this and mock me. I am writing what i am thinking at the time. this is for me to look back on and my friends and family to see whats going on in my life. Not for me to focus on sentence fragments or were a comma goes.


More to come later tonight



So I just spent 60 bucks and signed up for weight watchers online! It has a lot of helpful information on it! and i can keep track of all my food on it and its really overwhelming! Its pretty amazing! New recipes i want to cook something health really bad tonight! :-D I just might i just might but i have a paper to write!

I'm hoping after a few weeks of working out i will have more energy to do things!
Lets hope so!

So all in all a good day! stayed under points! :-D Worked out with staci and marlie! I am so blessed to have great friends so we can help each other! If anyone every wants to go work out just hit me up fosho!!!!!! I enjoyed my time at the rec. Watching tv right in front of! What ever i wanted it was nice! :-D To many cute boys though i felt really self conscious! Im going to hate it when it starts getting warmer and girls start coming in dress all well you know!! But now i have a paper to write!